When an emotional injury takes place,
the body begins a process,
as natural as the healing of a physical wound.
Let the process happen.
Trust that nature will do the healing.
Know that the pain will pass,
and,
when it passes,
you wil be stringer, happier, more sensitive and aware.
Mel Colgrove
have you ever realize that its just so hard to please every single person in our lives. to me , it is. its just toooooo hard that sometimes it makes me feel that im useless (or the either way, stupid) when i failed to please them. EVER SINGLE TIME, i tried my best, to satisfy someone else’s needs. their needs, what they expect from me, what they want from me, the people around me, especially my love ones. and whenever i failed them, my heart aches even more. i was convinced that IT IS POSSIBLE to please everyone around me, AH, not exactly everyone, but 99.99% of them. ( you are very ‘lucky’ to be the 0.01% ) anyways, as i’v said earlier, i dont think it is an impossible task. till one day, i was crushed by the one i love the most (maybe, maybe not) very badly, physically and emotionally. ( not to blame that person alone but that person is the worst case in my entire life) AND from that day onwards, i kept telling this to myself “yeah, IT IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK’ .i learnt to let go, to keep my one eye shut, to ignore, to forget, i’v learnt to keep my distance. i force myself to believe that not everyone i this world would need me, maybe they are just better off without me? yeah, exactly. im just no-one in their life, so why do i have to care for them so much that i hurt myself in the end? i really hate myself sometimes(maybe most of the time). often i ask myself, what have i done wrong to deserve this? i want to know the answer so badly. is it a sin to love and care for the one i love? i cherish every single person in my life, yes i do, but i cant plese everyone of them, can i? (??) now i’v learnt to give in less and sometimes give up on (others or myself- i’m not sure) . I’v learnt to keep myself from any possible danger, stay in my comfort zone but at the same time still holding on the little faith that has left in me to go on with my social happy-go-lucky life. i do not like to wear the mask. i know i dont have to, no one force me too, but the problem is, im too used to wearing the clown mask to please ppl while deep inside, im crying half dead. until now, i still do not understand why people can do such cruel things, spread rumors, create stories , twist their words, remember ONLY bad things and act as if i was never once appeared in their life and im not worth mentioning after all those times that I GAVE IN AND TRIED MY VERY BEST TO PLEASE THEM IN EVERY ASPECT of their life. to be there for them when they need someone to talk to, to be there when they needed any help etc. i would do my very best, to put them in my priority list. to get things done perfecty for them. to be there, ALWAYS, to feel the joy, the sadness in them. i smiled. i laughed. i hugged them. i tell them i do care, i love them and will be always there for them no matter what.wtf, what do i get in the end? YET i still believe in long lasting friendship, relationships and LOVE. i still do believe in fairy tales, happily ever after romance ( sily me) eventhough i’v been through so much in life. poeple let me down, people kicked and ignore me in their lives. aah, i feel so terrible, horrible. it kills. please dont do it to protect your lies, to cover up your stories,i just cant help it. i dont know why i still cant get over the memories, i forgive but i have not forget. others tend to listen to rumors, false accusations, they rather believe what their best friend told them without even check or investigate for the truth. they are blind folded. i would say, they sometimes do not want to accept the truth just because the truth is sometimes cruel and unbelievable. i also spent time trying to understand why people behave the way they do - why they tell lies, why they make up fictitious sources.WHY? why must they hurt others to make themsel perfect? aaa nvm, i always believe that the truth will reveal itself someday, somehow..(wtf). i smiled and posted up nice post, nice pictures, dress up nicely, jump around and act like an idiot at times, it doesnt mean that the hurt is gone, the wound is healed. it doesnt mean that im truly happy,(yes im contented with my life now, no doubt about it) life is good, life is great if you know how to live life to the fullest. but somehow, i dont know how, but somehow…i will feel emotional when im alone, especially in the dark. coz all the memories will once again hunt me down. my heart still ache, the tears still flow as if it has just happened a while ago. the wound still bleed. goshed. i don’t know how to put them in words. im sure that im not the only person in the world that experience this. But thank God that I know my own weaknesses and I KNOW THAT I MUST control my emotions (if not, i’m sure i will get into depression. i am 100% sure of that) i know i cant compare my life to others, they may have been through a whole lot of shit in their lives too. far worst then mine. i know. everyone has their own journey, their own purpose in life. their own thinking. all of the things, i knw, is out of human control. but i still hold on. I still do, for miracles to happen. i do pray, yes a lot. i do not pray loudly, in front of everyone or in what-so-ever special time in a day. i pray in my heart, i dont have to shut my eyes while praying,i can look at the people around me, pray while smiling at them (its up to me) i talk to God in my heart. praying for miracles all the time.
what/who really matters and what/who doesn’t at all? i’m still confused.
aah, this is so random.
please excuse me.
he says she says